life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
