i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
