Screwed.edu
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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