Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
