Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
