I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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