threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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