You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
