he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
