oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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