im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
