I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
