he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
