Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
