How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
