Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
