I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize