you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
