Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
