the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
