the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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