My Higher Power is John Stamos
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
