i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
