drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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