I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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