I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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