i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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