i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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