I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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