feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
