like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
