some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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