mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
