It was confusing and full of hummus
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
