theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
