Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize