I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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