Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
