Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
