the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
