i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
