Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
