I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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