Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
