Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
