i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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