You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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