We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize