I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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