Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
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