I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
