My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
