We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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