i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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