We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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