a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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